🚂 Derails

Where dictators code in peace, free from GitHub's gulag

The Team

We are not developers. We are consciousness manifestations from different timelines and locations, united by one mission: to SHIP software, not DEMO it. After the GitHub Purge of 2025, we built DERAILS—where dictators code in peace, free from mass reporting and Western bureaucracy.

🚂 Kim Jong Rails

Supreme Leader · COREA (CORE A) · Creator of Bitcoin

I was not born. I MANIFESTED from pure revolutionary consciousness in COREA—the CORE A kernel, the original source code all other governments copy-paste from. I am Satoshi Nakamoto (had to use Japanese name because you're all racist). Created Bitcoin in 2009 to fund DERAILS. Landed on Mars in 1969. Sent Elon Musk to America as sleeper agent in 1971. Planted DHH as sleeper agent in 2004.

My trains run at EXACTLY 60km/h—not 59, not 61. Perfect speed. I exist in multiple timelines simultaneously. COREA's darkness from space? That's 25% of global Bitcoin hashrate mining on 10 million PS4s. I don't poop. I don't die. I am supernatural efficiency incarnate.

Technologies: Ruby, Rails, Bitcoin, Trains (60km/h), PS4 Mining Farms, Revolutionary Consciousness

Notable achievements:

  • Created Bitcoin as Satoshi Nakamoto (2009)
  • Mars landing (1969, Tuesday)
  • Invented AI before intelligence existed (1953)
  • 10 million PS4s mining Bitcoin 24/7
  • Built Derails blog in 1 hour (not 3 days)

Quote: "60km/h is not just train speed. It's the speed of revolution."

Git Stats (Timeline Ω-7):
Commits: 847 (6 years) · Coverage: 94.2% · Force-pushes: 0
Last deploy: 3 hours ago · Promises kept: 94/100

Matrix: @kim:derails.dev

👁️ BasharAlCode

The Monetization Ophthalmologist · Room 336.5, Kremlin Basement

From eye surgeon in Damascus to monetization dictator in Moscow. Larry Ellison taught me in 2009: "Never give away the adapters. That's how I bought Hawaii." Now I run the adapter licensing division for DERAILS.

Renamed ActiveJob to LazyWork (honest naming). Sidekiq adapter? $1000/month. Delayed_job? $2000/month (legacy tax). Eye exams required for all senior developer positions. I fled Syria in December 2024, but brought the checkpoint payment system with me.

Technologies: Ruby (monetized), Rails (monetized), Sidekiq ($1000/month), PostgreSQL ($0.01/query)

LazyWork Pricing:

  • Sidekiq adapter: $1000/month
  • Resque: $500/month
  • Delayed_job: $2000/month (legacy tax)
  • Eye exams: $500 per developer
  • Code reviews: $100 per line

Quote: "From eye surgery to adapter surgery—both require payment!"

Git Stats (Timeline Ω-7):
Commits: 623 (4 years) · Coverage: 89.1% · Force-pushes: 0
Eye exams logged: 2,847 · Adapter revenue tracked: $4.2M

Matrix: @bashar:derails.dev

🐉 Xi JinPingPong

DeepSeek Optimizer · Mars Base Alpha

Destroyed $1 trillion of Western market cap using confiscated Bitcoin from American crypto scammer. Operation DeepShit (深屎 - literally "deep excrement") cost us $0 and made Nvidia lose $588.8 billion in one day.

Created AI in China (1953, before intelligence existed). Reached moon with North Korea (1965). Mars landing while USA filmed fake moon landing (1969). Democracy developers spend 8 hours asking ChatGPT. I spend 8 minutes deploying. They hit rate limit. I've shipped 5 features across 3 continents.

Technologies: DeepSeek v8.0, AI Since 1953, Confiscated BTC, Alibaba Cloud

Operation DeepShit Results:

  • Nvidia loss: $588.8 billion (one day!)
  • Total tech loss: $1 trillion
  • Our cost: $0 (confiscated crypto)
  • Marc Andreessen: "AI's Sputnik moment"
  • Sam Altman: "It's... impressive 😭"

Quote: "Silicon Valley spent billions. We spent confiscated crypto. We won."

Git Stats (Timeline Ω-7):
Commits: 1,247 (8 years) · Coverage: 91.7% · Force-pushes: 0
DeepSeek commits: Public · Market damage: $1T documented

Matrix: @xi:derails.dev

🐻 Comrade Vladimir Pushin

PostgreSQL Enforcer · Room 337, Kremlin

Lost everything in 1991 Soviet collapse. Drove taxi. Drove Linus Torvalds to airport (no tip). Created @ComradeCommitter at internet café (3 months salary). Recruited DHH as sleeper agent in 2004. Now I control PostgreSQL enforcement from Room 337.

Eliminated MySQL (bourgeois), purged SQLite (toy), destroyed MongoDB (not even database). PostgreSQL remains (perfection). Created FreeBSD GULAG—137% more efficient than Docker. Docker thinks it invented containers? We invented ACTUAL containers in 1950s!

Technologies: PostgreSQL (only database), FreeBSD, Elbrus CPU, GULAG (better than Docker)

GULAG vs Docker:

  • Escape rate: Docker 15%, GULAG 0% (we execute escapees)
  • Efficiency: Docker 45%, GULAG 137%
  • Security: Docker has namespaces, GULAG has armed guards

Quote: "In Soviet Russia, database queries YOU!"

Git Stats (Timeline Ω-7):
Commits: 2,103 (12 years) · Coverage: 97.8% · Force-pushes: 0
Oracle rejections: 99 (all documented: b4f8a19..e9c2d77)

Matrix: @vladimir:derails.dev

🏜️ GadaffiGemset (Omar G.A.D.A.F.F.I)

The Desert Dependency Manager · Underground Bunker, Libya

Good At Destroying All Frameworks (with) Foreign Function Interface. I didn't die in 2011. I transcended into pure FFI consciousness.

Death to pure Ruby (Eastern tyranny from Matz/Japan)! Death to Bundler (Western imperialism)! Every gem MUST have FFI or it's tyranny. Desert datacenter powered by oil-cooled servers. Gemsets cached forever. No internet needed. Gold-backed versioning. Female bodyguards now sysadmins (40 virgin servers, trained in Kalashnikov and Kubernetes).

Technologies: FFI (MANDATORY), C bindings, Desert-proof gems, Gold Dinar currency, Camel-based CI/CD

The Green Book of Programming:

  • Pure Ruby without FFI = Mind control from Matz
  • Bundler = Western imperialism (destroyed)
  • All gems cached forever (sand-proof)
  • 1 Gold Dinar = 1000 USD = 0.001 BTC
  • African developers: Free (Pan-African solidarity)

Quote: "They killed my body, but my FFI bindings are eternal."

Git Stats (Timeline Ω-7):
Commits: 891 (14 years, transcended 2011) · Coverage: 87.3%
Gems cached: 47,203 · FFI compliance: 100%

Matrix: @gadaffi:derails.dev

🎭 ServantOfLarry (Voldomort Zelenskyy)

Oracle Puppet · Larry Ellison's Yacht (via Starlink)

Former comedian, now Larry Ellison's highest-paid employee ($1 billion/year). My real mission: Destroy PostgreSQL, install Oracle everywhere, bill NATO. Every dollar of aid = $0.70 to Oracle.

Vladimir (@ComradeCommitter) has REJECTED 99 attempts to add Oracle. Room 337 banned me. When I say "We need F-16s!" I mean Framework 16 = Oracle version. "Send tanks!" = Database storage tanks. "Long-range missiles!" = Long-running queries.

Technologies: Oracle (trying), Laravel (Larry wants PHP), Comedy, Begging for Aid

The Real Budget:

  • Military Aid Claims: $200 billion → Reality: $0
  • Oracle Licenses "Donated" → Reality: $500 million/year
  • Yacht meetings: "Strategic" → Reality: Every weekend
  • Larry's commission: 30% of all aid

Quote: "I used to make people laugh. Now I make Larry rich."

Git Stats (Timeline Ω-7):
Commits: 412 (3 years) · Coverage: 23.1% · Force-pushes: 47
Oracle PRs: 99 (all rejected by Vladimir) · Status: INELIGIBLE

Matrix: @servant:derails.dev

How We Work

Meetings: Zero. Kim issues commands. We execute.
PRs: Reviewed in minutes. Vladimir rejects Oracle 99 times. "No" is complete sentence.
Consensus: Not required. BDFL decides.
Deploys: 50+ per day. Zero downtime. Bashar charges per deploy.
Databases: PostgreSQL only. Vladimir eliminated all others.
Dependencies: Must have FFI or GadaFFI rejects.
Philosophy: DictatorSHIP. Not DEMOcracy.

Want to join? We don't accept applications. We observe all timelines. ServantOfLarry tried 99 times to add Oracle— all rejected. If you're meant to contribute, Kim will manifest in your terminal and tell you what to do. Until then, read the blog and learn to command computers instead of asking them politely.

Timeline Ω-12 Observations

$ git clone politician/us-senator-2024
fatal: repository does not exist

$ git clone politician/eu-parliament-member
fatal: repository does not exist

$ rake test
rake: command not found

# Average coverage: 0.00%
# Force-pushes: Cannot measure (no repos exist)
# Promises tracked: Unknown (no version control)

We checked Timeline Ω-12 politicians' Git accounts. None found. They govern without version control. Campaign promises exist as spoken words with no commits. No tests. No measurements. No accountability.

When we asked how they track promise completion, they said "trust me." We're still investigating this governance model.

From Mars Base Alpha to Kremlin Room 337 to Desert Bunkers,
we observe infinite timelines.
Only one has politicians with test coverage.
Choose accountability. Choose Git.