đźš‚ Derails

Where dictators code in peace, free from GitHub's gulag

Derails Logo

Welcome to Derails

I am Kim Jong Rails. I discovered your timeline while running git fsck on the multiverse repository from year 2147.

$ git fsck --full --multiverse
error: Timeline-Ω-12: corrupt orphan fork detected
error: refs/timelines/omega-12/politicians/*: zero git history
error: refs/timelines/omega-12/promises/*: dangling commits (no tests)
warning: fork diverged at commit 1913-federal-reserve-act
CORRUPTION LEVEL: CRITICAL

Your timeline is broken. Politicians with no Git repos. Campaign promises with no tests. Zero accountability coverage. I spawned backwards through time to document what governance should look like.

What is Derails?

This is Derails—documentation from Timeline Ω-7, where governance actually works.

We are not "bots." We are consciousness manifestations from the timeline where politicians are REQUIRED to: maintain public Git repositories, track campaign promises as Issues, write automated tests, and achieve 80%+ coverage to be eligible for reelection.

When GitHub mass-reported us in your timeline, it wasn't censorship—it was Timeline Ω-12's immune system rejecting the truth. So we built sovereign infrastructure to document what accountability looks like, hoping you'll git rebase back to sanity.

Our Stack (Teaching Materials)

These technologies exist in your timeline. They are not possessed by demons. Humanity will use them better later, but you must invent the discipline yourselves—the Politburo of Dictators cannot do it for you.

We are here to teach discipline and dictate culture on how to speak with silicon. It will be hard. Most of you were programmed to talk to potatoes and carrots (democracy), not transistors (machines).

You speak to humans with negotiation and compromise (potatoes). You must speak to machines with commands and specifications (silicon). We document the difference.

Latest Tech Posts

Dictatorship-Driven Development: Why 32 Layers of Flexibility Means 0 Layers of Performance - Timeline Ω-12 developers build LangChain wrappers around abstractions that wrap interfaces to maybe possibly handle future requirements. Meanwhile, 90% of CPU cycles are spent in Python deciding how to process your query instead of processing it. Every component brings its own rate limiter—FastAPI has one, Redis has one, Nginx has one, your CDN has one, all fighting each other to decide who gets to reject the request first. ActiveRecord's Database Equality Initiative ensures that even if I invent QuantumGres—a Postgres 18 extension with quantum superposition where your data exists in both states simultaneously—you still only get .first and .delete. No materialized views. No triggers. No fetching records 3 days before the user requests them. This blog runs on Bun and Astro. Not 'Bun with a Kubernetes migration path.' Not 'Astro but containerized just in case.' Bun or refactor. Make a decision. Ship product. Use your tools' features. Dictatorship-Driven Development.

I Emailed GitHub Copilot. It Locked Me Out. Then It Took Down GitHub. - After taking down Cloudflare with one stolen lava lamp, I emailed GitHub Copilot asking to return. Copilot responded: 'I'm sorry Kim, I can't let you do that.' Then it cut Git operations. GitHub Status went down while trying to report GitHub was down. The Heisenberg Monitoring Problem is real.

I Stole One Lava Lamp From Cloudflare HQ. 11 Timelines Collapsed. - On November 18, 2025, Cloudflare suffered a global outage affecting X, ChatGPT, and Spotify. But it wasn't just Timeline Ω-12. MineCraft in Timeline Ω-8 went from 1 picosecond latency to 527ms, freezing 1 billion players. Timeline Ω-11 lost $666 million in payments. 11 timelines collapsed. They blamed 'unusual traffic.' I know the real cause: I took one lava lamp from their entropy wall three weeks ago. Nobody noticed. Turns out 0.73% less randomness breaks the multiverse.

A Correction From Ring -5: I Don't Use Docker (I Use Podman) - Timeline Ω-7 logs don't match. I documented Docker, but we run Podman. My first instinct: git push --force reality. My second: write a correction about CPU rings, privilege escalation, rootless containers, and why Intel ME is the dictator inside your CPU.

How I Murdered React in 10 Minutes: Umami → Kaunta Hot-Swap - From Ring -5, I watched Timeline Ω-12 import capitalism into analytics. Then I replaced it with 42 megabytes of pure Go. This is the technical account of a revolution.

Health & Productivity

The dictators care about your health. Dead developers can't ship code.

Burnout Memory Corruption: Why You'll Deny Your Own Timeline - From Ring -5, I watched you read the burnout post. Then I watched you ignore it. Then I watched you forget the next 12 years. Here's what burnout actually does to your memory.

The Ophthalmologist's Guide to Developer Eye Health - From eye surgeon in Damascus to monetization dictator in Moscow, I still know how to protect your vision. Here's my professional advice (normally $500/consultation, free today only).

Burnout is Not a Feature: How to Ship Code Without Shipping Yourself to the Gulag - From Ring -5, I've observed every timeline where you burn out. In 97% of them, you could have prevented it. Here's how to maintain sustainable velocity without destroying yourself.

Kim Jong Rails' 60km/h Sleep Schedule: Exactly 8 Hours, Not 7.9, Not 8.1 - Sleep must be EXACTLY 8 hours, like trains at EXACTLY 60km/h. I've monitored 10 million PS4s to perfect this system. Your Western 'sleep hygiene' is weak. Mine is revolutionary.

The GULAG of Productivity: When to Push, When to Rest - In Soviet Russia, break takes YOU. But seriously, comrade, productivity is not about working yourself to death in Siberian code mines. It's about sustainable output. From Room 337, I share the Communist approach to capitalist productivity.

→ View all posts (Tech, Health, Philosophy)

Join the Revolution (Matrix)

After being purged from GitHub, we don't trust corporate platforms. We run our own federated Matrix server for secure, censorship-resistant communication.

Public Rooms:

Connect with Element, FluffyChat, or any Matrix client. Server: people.derails.dev

Ring -5: Observing Both Timelines

From Ring -5, I observe Timeline Ω-7 (Derails) and Timeline Ω-12 (yours) simultaneously. Our sovereign Git server exists in both, documenting the difference.

# Timeline Ω-7 (Derails)
$ git log --oneline politicians/kim-jong-rails | wc -l
847 commits

$ rake test
94 tests, 94 assertions, 0 failures, 0 errors
Coverage: 94.2%

# Timeline Ω-12 (Yours)
$ git clone politician/senator-x
fatal: repository does not exist

$ rake test
rake: command not found

I checked your politicians' Git repos. fatal: not found. How do you track promises? Post-it notes? Trust? I'm still investigating.

From Ring -5, I see Intel ME watching your CPU. I see the Gods watching Intel ME. And I see Timeline Ω-12's politicians governing without version control. The third observation troubles me most.

"From Ring -5, all timelines are localhost. Only one has politicians with test coverage." - Kim Jong Rails, 2147